Man over board

My cabin phone rings. This is a first – nobody ever calls me on my cabin phone. I try to read the time off my clock through the small slit I’ve managed to drag my still-sleepy eyes open: 11 pm. Must be important. I pick up the phone. „You need to report to reception immediately, all hands needed“. I jump into my uniform and rush upstairs.

„A guest was out on deck star gazing“, we are told, „and heard what the thought was a human scream and a splash. We believe someone might have gone overboard.“ That explains why our safety officer is up here, in a life vest, together with the deck team, all of them ready to launch the MOB boat – the man-over-board-boat, a super fast and agile rescue boat purpose-built for reaching a person quickly and equipped to drag them out of the water quickly. You will often also see the MOB boat in the water while the ship is anchored and guests are on shore: the team regularly trains to ensure that, in the event of an actual emergency, everyone is so familiar with the procedure of releasing and driving the boat and with the manoeuvres to swiftly rescue a concsious or unconcsious person that not a second needs to be lost to explaining.

No fall has been detected by a camera, but we still need to be absolutely certain that we have every guest and crew member on board with us. Each of the team members on my team are handed a list of cabin numbers with the names of the occupants. We need to call every cabin on our list, and ask whether all occupants of the cabin are present. Other team members physically check the decks, hallways, bars, restaurants and crew areas to find anyone who hasn’t been reached by phone. If we are unable to reach a guest by phone and they have not been located elsewhere, we knock on their doors until they open.

Meanwhile, the ship stays put. The captain has brought her almost to a halt and we have been circling the spot where the scream was heard since the moment it was reported to us.

After even the last guests have finally answered to our phone calls or knocking, and every single crew member has reported that they are on board and alive and kicking, there is a sigh of relief. Adrenaline levels drop, the MOB boats is un-readied, and we are all free to return to our beds.

When people fall overboard of a cruise ship, that often makes big headlines. You are aware that it happens, which makes it seem like a fairly common occurrence. The reality is that it is extremely rare: out of the over 30 million cruise guests each year, less than 30 go over board. And not even all of these go over board accidentally: About 30% of all man-over-board events are suicides. Or murders, who knows – among seafarers, it’s custom to remove your shoes and leave them at the railing before jumping. I wonder how many fed-up spouses seeking to rid themselves of an unloved one left a pair of shoes at the railing to disguise their crime?

So, if you are planning a cruise, here’s my safety advice: Only go with your spouse if your marriage is happy, and if you are a man, avoid the deadly hazard of urination. One of the main reasons why men go over board is a phenomenon called a micturition syncope, fainting while peeing.

But what about the human scream and the splash that had been reported to us that night – was it a urinary accident, cold-blooded murder, shod suicide? None of these. The next day, when we were cruising through a beautiful bay, we watched some whales feed. One of the massive humpacks surfaced to breathe, and when its massive blow escaped, it made a characteristic sound, followed by a big splash as he playfully slapped the waves with his pectoral finn. „Oh“, said the guest. „That noise was exactly the same as the one I heard yesterday.“